WEB CHUCKLES, CARTOONS
ABOUT OUR CARTOONISTS
Randy Glasbergen has his finger on the pulse of the techie (and anti-techie) generation. He does some wonderful cartoons with a new one published daily and is also the creator of the nationally syndicated comic strip, "The Better Half." He's given me permission to reprint his daily cartoons for our newsletter. Randy's cartoons can be seen at:
Today's Cartoon by Randy Glasbergen
Click logo to go to "Today's Cartoon"
Toons by John Zakour
Please join me in welcoming cartoonist Jerry King to the FRHS Online Newsletter.
His cartoons can be seen here:
WEB CHUCKLES, FOUND SURFING THENET
The Late, Great New York Egg Cream
Mention it to an old-time New Yorker and watch. Many a tough face will soften with a smile.
This was sent in by my classmate, Sheldon (Shelly) Fogel, Class of 1956
Bill Gates was killed in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go" Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"19. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased. "This is great" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven" "Fine," said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?" God says, "That was the screen saver."
Here's another one that might make you say,
"HEY, THAT'S ME!!!!10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle
YOU KNOW IT'S THE NETWORK AGE WHEN ...
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat.
He e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you
posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate
used to play.
soup to see if it contains echinacea.
11. You check your blow-dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a
JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.
14. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom
of the screen.
15. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date
and now sells for half the price you paid.
16. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or
debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
17. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food
bags out of the back seat of your car.
18. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.
20. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
21. Your idea of being organized is multi-colored Post-it notes.
22. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
23. You're reading this.
24. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
This was sent in by Sharon (Shardin) Dwyer, Class of 1963
YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS
1. You wake up at 3:00 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend.
I don't know who wrote the following, but it's funny and oh, so true, especially for the "older" grads like me!
A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show
a window was something you hated to clean....
And ram was the cousin of a goat.....
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was your middle finger upright
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2' floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
you'd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spider's home
and a virus was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead
(If anyone knows who authored this, please let me know and
I'll be glad to give him/her credit.)
Does this next one hit home? (Ouch!)
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You walk with your head held high because you're trying to get used to
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 p.m.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following
excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press the Enter key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is.
2. Gateway support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The dust cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another Gateway customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the diskettes.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the technician to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor and pressing the "Send" key.
7. Another Dell customer need help setting up a new program, so a technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told that Egghead was a software store, the main said "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Gateway technician spoke to a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The technician explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid entry" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new computer to turn on. After making sure the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response was "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.
11. A customer called Compaq to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire technician:
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I'm within my warranty period. How do I get it fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did your receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the technician had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and had snapped it off the drive!
13. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters. Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."
"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer."
And thanks to another 1956 classmate, Fletcher (Chico) Eberle, for this one!
Gates vs. GM
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
I love the next one!!!
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!
Click here to take the 1895 8th grade final test from Salina, Kansas.
See if YOU can pass!
For New Yorkers who've moved away from home, there is a lovely page which you're sure to enjoy. Aptly
named, New York Castaways, the opening page features a three-question poll with Gershwin's "Rhapsody In Blue" playing in the background...once you click an answer, you're taken to the main page. Lots of fun!
Do you miss childhood favorites which are hard to find, such as Clark Bars, Necco Wafers, Sugar Lips Wax Lips, Sugar Daddy, Bubble Gum Cigars, Grape Crush Soda, Nehi Soda, Moon Pies, Mallomar Cookies, etc., etc...the list goes on forever...if so, take a swing over to this wonderful page, especially if you fall into the "New Yorker Castaways" category (see above).
I found them on the Food Channel showing how Clark Bars (a personal favorite) are made. I ordered a bunch of stuff from them and found delivery was prompt and they packaged everything well. They carry other things than junk food, such as Wheatena Cerial and My-T-Fine Pudding, which I have not seen since I moved to Arizona almost 52 years ago. Enjoy!
From 1950 through 1969, Heartbeats One and Two has given us a page for each year which
features that year's pop hits.
Each page features sports stats,current events, prices then (you'll cringe) and the cars we loved, drive-ins, malt shops(or candy stores, as we knew them) and everything else you wish you could bring back. This multi-award winning 53-page site blew me away! Click on the logo below to be transported back to a magical time.
OUR KINDA SOUL FOOD...Baby Boomer (and earlier)
Sweet MemoriesGo to this site if you dare. Fair warning. You will need a sugar fix when you're down to the bottom of the page. (And don't go if you're on a diet!)
REWIND THE FIFTIESMore WONDERFUL Nostalgia!!! This site is Cool for Cats, hep Chicks, Greasers, Motorheads, Beats, Cool Kittens and Sandra Dee's Site contains over 300 Photos of Cars, Vintage Posters, Pinups, and Clipart, all about the 50's.
Visit Don's 50s Scrapbook (with lots of goodies)
Thanks to Janice (Rothenberg) Goorland, Class of '65 for this link...download RealPlayer and enjoy the music of our past!
Lost in the Fifties JukeBox
And yet another oldies site I found while surfing!
"Links to Hundreds of Oldie and Nostalgic Sites and More! Hear all your favorite Oldies from the 50s to the 70s at the World's First 50s-60s Site on the Net! This was the first, but certainly not the last."
HOW MANY DO YOU REMEMBER????1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles
5. Coffee shops with table side jukeboxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
17. Metal ice trays with levers
18. Mimeograph stencils
19. Blue flashbulbs
20. Beanie and Cecil
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Click here to return to the FRHS Newsletter
Check out the following links about stuff we've probably forgotten:
Forgotten, overlooked and ancient sights of New York City
(including some from Rockaway).
http://members.aol.com/pennsy/A tribute to the late, great Penn Station, a book by Lorraine B. Diehl. Click the "All Aboard for On-line Tour" link (http://members.aol.com/pennsy/rrtour.htm) for some awesome pictures from the book (click the thumbnails for full size photos).
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